@sucittaM: Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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@krustythe_klown: Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
@tsm560: Her: About last night, please understand that wasn't me... that was the wine. Me: ... Her: ... Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
@therealeatwood: “Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time” — linguists, supposably