“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
You Might Also Like
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?