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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
no one likes gloating
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Not today
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”