Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.