Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
You Might Also Like
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Livid.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes