Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
One of the best
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Yes
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.