[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
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Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.