Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
You Might Also Like
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
saving face 👀
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Can. I. Help. You.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.