Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
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How do I rate our solar system?
One star
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
thinking about a very short hotdog
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
the saddest jazz hands ever
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then