If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
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WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo