Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
you have three unread messages
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.