victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.