stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
You Might Also Like
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
The first one, obviously
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.