I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?