Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.