Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Steam Forums
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”