Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
#catsoftwitter
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.