@AmishPornStar1: "Today is chest and leg day!" -me, ordering at KFC

@causticbob: I hate it when people say "Oh, I'm a vegetarian except for fish". Yeah? And I'm a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

@whatmaddness: I'm trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we're on the phone, and everything is awful.

@whereami18: I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I'll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

@not_liberal: Press 1 for English Press 2 For Spanish Press 1 or 2 for Indian