Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️