Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”