Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
my mom making me talk to relatives
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.