Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
tinder is all about the long game
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.