Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The smoothest fall of all time
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
A man of commitment.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”