Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
#DesignFail
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
me after eating Cheetos
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand