Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
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Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.