Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems