Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
You Might Also Like
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
whatcha thinkin bout
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.