Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Perfect
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment