@SeanEmeny: Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed
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@shegotagronk: Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister and I was like, "How can that be possible when her snoring keeps me up all night?"
@ClichedOut: Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk. Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What? M: Your father was plastic. T: But - M: It's true. You're a mixed bag.
@nettie0918: My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.