My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
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If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
…..pretty much.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends