[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
haha same
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.