Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning