[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
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Penguins walking in 5x speed
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*