Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.