Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.