Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
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My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.