My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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Worth the read.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
God, I love Scotland
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Haha good job!!
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
President The Rock Obama
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.