Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
that’s really how it is
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.