@MavenofHonor: Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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@illiter8too: I always try to coordinate my bra and panties so at least my murderer will think I’ve got my shit together
@_coryrichardson: wife: don’t be weird, just talk to him about it me: ok [later] me: so, you have a gf now? haha. cool, well listen son... girls are uh.. girls are like *looks around room* alarm clocks. You shouldn’t have sex with them... but if you do, use a condom
@Freudianscript: People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.
@Storminika: I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, "don't do this"