Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!