Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
You Might Also Like
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Employees must applaud the planets.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable