The Last Dance just keeps getting better
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What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
More like Kate Missington.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.