Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.