Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.