[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
You Might Also Like
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!