Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat