@SoulYodeler: Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
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@SamGrittner: "WHAT DO WE WANT?!" "SELF-CONFIDENCE!" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!" *everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
@ingmarbirdman: i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards