Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
You Might Also Like
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I feel this so hard
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you