Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
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My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.