My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.