Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Okay me first