6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Good morning.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’