@moose_chocolate: Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it's May 13th and it's currently snowing here.
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@rolldiggity: ME: "Trick or bear?" NEIGHBOR: "Bear?" ME: "HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!" [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
@AlexRogaski: Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He's too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
@AndyAsAdjective: Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear? Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.