Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The glockness monster
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*